Characteristics of PERSONS with Healthy Boundaries

Those with healthy boundaries;

• Are secure within themselves and not threatened by others who are different, have different views or opinions, and are open enough to admit new ideas and perspectives without losing their individuality.
• Do not allow themselves to be intruded upon.  They don't become defensive when they say "No."
• Have a clear sense of their own views, values and priorities.  They make informed decisions about what they believe instead of allowing others to decide for them.
• Are able to discern safe and appropriate people with whom to disclose things about themselves.  Be careful about to whom you bare your soul.  People who have experienced rejection from caregivers often look for approval from people who are not able to give it to them.
• Have enough confidence in themselves that they are little affected by mean things others can say or do to them. They can withstand the attack and process their feelings instead of feeling defenselessness and stuffing their feelings.  Each person has a choice in what they do with the pain.  EMOTIONS DON'T REQUIRE REACTIONS!!!
• Can protect themselves without imprisoning themselves.  They choose to safely move in and out of relationships at will.
• Know how to assert themselves at appropriate times in order to stay out of the victim role. You know you are in the victim role if you are living out of shame, in fear of conflict, and tend to isolate in order to do anything to avoid conflict. 
• Able to enter into relationships with others without losing themselves.  Able to say, "I am not you."  To do so, you must be able to be who you are and able to connect with others without losing your identity.  Those who are codependent are unable to do this because they are preoccupied with the needs, values, and wants of others to the detriment of their own.

Characteristics of a Healthy Intimate Relationship

The goal in an intimate relationship is to feel calm, centered, and focused.
     The intimacy needs to be safe, supportive, respectful, non punitive and peaceful.

In a healthy intimate relationship...

• You should feel taken care of, wanted, unconditionally accepted and loved for just existing.
• You feel part of something and not alone in a healthy intimate relationship.
• You experience forgiving and being forgiven with little revenge or reminding of past offences.
• You find yourself giving thanks for your relationship.
• You experience being free to be who you are rather than who you think you need to be for the other.
• There is a sense of directness with plan and order.
• You should be free from the "paralysis of analysis" the need to analyze ever minute detail of what goes on in it.
• The relationship has its priorities in order, with people's feelings and process of the relationship coming before things and money.
• Encourages your personal growth and supports your individuality.
• This relationship does not result in you or your relationship partner becoming emotionally, physically, or intellectually dependent on one another.

....want more?  Go to http://www.coping.org/ and check out the Tools for Coping Series which will assist you and your relationship partner on achieving healthy boundaries. :)

Boundaries - What are they?

Boundaries:

"A boundary is a limit or edge that defines us as separate from others...where you and I begin." (Anne Katherine, Boundaries).

"Where I end and someone else begins." (Dr's. Cloud and Townsend, Boundaries).

"...any line or thing marking a limit; bound as to limit or confine; border" (Websters New World College Dictionary).

• Like maps, boundaries help us find our way down the road of life.
• Boundaries show us how to protect ourselves.
• Boundaries point out unsafe places in relationships.
• Show us how to protect ourselves.
• Boundaries tell me who I am.

I AM NOT YOU!!!

Boundaries & self-esteem go hand in hand.

Boundary violations occur "when one trespasses on the other's personhood, when one crosses a line and tries to control the feelings, attitudes, behaviors, choices, and values of the other." (Cloud and Townsend).

There are 5 areas of boundaries:

Relational, Physical, Sexual, Emotional, and Spiritual.

Abuse or violation in any one area usually affects ALL the other areas.  Boundary violation is against the whole person: spirit, mind, emotion, will and body.

Barriers to healthy boundaries in relationships

Possible Barriers:

• Developed fear of rejection and abandonment all the while allowing ourselves to be rejected and abandoned by others and we rejected and abandoned them.
• Ran off the people we need to keep in our lives and couldn't get away from those that we don't need.
• Shame as a child growing up prevented us from being our true selves due to lack of nurturning in our family of origin.
• Learned survival techniques by creating a false self (persona, mask)
• Lack of awareness (consciousness) caused us to look for nurturance from other needy people.
• Wanting to trust but don't trust ourselves and end up projecting our distrust onto everyone else.
• Learned to Control or be controlled
• Learned to substitute for lust for love.
• Looking for someone to feel close but substitued sex for closeness.
• Looking for someone to understand how I feel but I don't know how I feel.
• Wanting to be honest but our false self doesn't know the or understand the truth.
• Wanting to share our lives with someone but don't know who we are in order to share.
• Have difficulty giving and receiving in relationships.
• Lack of emotional mirroring or modeling during childhood
• Learned from the authority figures in our lives that what we was was not what we saw, what we heard was not what we heard, what we felt was not what we felt.
• I don't know who I am.
• You don't know who you are.

Boundaries - Intamcy in Relationships

Boundaries:  How I treat YOU, How I let you treat ME, How I treat MYSELF!!

Intimacy- "Knowing and being known for who we really are in all aspects of our lives.  Intimacy is being able to bring the truth of who I am to you, being received and accepted for who I am without your needing to fix me, and you being received and accepted by me for who you are without my trying to fix you.

Healthy Boundary prerequisite:  "I have to know who I am before I can share me with you.  You have to know who you are before you can share you with me."