Boundaries - What are they?

Boundaries:

"A boundary is a limit or edge that defines us as separate from others...where you and I begin." (Anne Katherine, Boundaries).

"Where I end and someone else begins." (Dr's. Cloud and Townsend, Boundaries).

"...any line or thing marking a limit; bound as to limit or confine; border" (Websters New World College Dictionary).

• Like maps, boundaries help us find our way down the road of life.
• Boundaries show us how to protect ourselves.
• Boundaries point out unsafe places in relationships.
• Show us how to protect ourselves.
• Boundaries tell me who I am.

I AM NOT YOU!!!

Boundaries & self-esteem go hand in hand.

Boundary violations occur "when one trespasses on the other's personhood, when one crosses a line and tries to control the feelings, attitudes, behaviors, choices, and values of the other." (Cloud and Townsend).

There are 5 areas of boundaries:

Relational, Physical, Sexual, Emotional, and Spiritual.

Abuse or violation in any one area usually affects ALL the other areas.  Boundary violation is against the whole person: spirit, mind, emotion, will and body.

Barriers to healthy boundaries in relationships

Possible Barriers:

• Developed fear of rejection and abandonment all the while allowing ourselves to be rejected and abandoned by others and we rejected and abandoned them.
• Ran off the people we need to keep in our lives and couldn't get away from those that we don't need.
• Shame as a child growing up prevented us from being our true selves due to lack of nurturning in our family of origin.
• Learned survival techniques by creating a false self (persona, mask)
• Lack of awareness (consciousness) caused us to look for nurturance from other needy people.
• Wanting to trust but don't trust ourselves and end up projecting our distrust onto everyone else.
• Learned to Control or be controlled
• Learned to substitute for lust for love.
• Looking for someone to feel close but substitued sex for closeness.
• Looking for someone to understand how I feel but I don't know how I feel.
• Wanting to be honest but our false self doesn't know the or understand the truth.
• Wanting to share our lives with someone but don't know who we are in order to share.
• Have difficulty giving and receiving in relationships.
• Lack of emotional mirroring or modeling during childhood
• Learned from the authority figures in our lives that what we was was not what we saw, what we heard was not what we heard, what we felt was not what we felt.
• I don't know who I am.
• You don't know who you are.

Boundaries - Intamcy in Relationships

Boundaries:  How I treat YOU, How I let you treat ME, How I treat MYSELF!!

Intimacy- "Knowing and being known for who we really are in all aspects of our lives.  Intimacy is being able to bring the truth of who I am to you, being received and accepted for who I am without your needing to fix me, and you being received and accepted by me for who you are without my trying to fix you.

Healthy Boundary prerequisite:  "I have to know who I am before I can share me with you.  You have to know who you are before you can share you with me."

To all of you who have overcome adversity :)

I AM STRONG

Because I know my weakness

I AM BEAUTIFUL

Because I see my flaws

I AM A LOVER

Because I have felt hate

I AM FEARLESS

Because I have been afraid

I AM WISE

Because I have been foolish

AND I CAN LAUGH

Because I have known sadness.

Living with Purpose Now....a worksheet

This is a worksheet that will help you live more purposefully.  It is imperative that as you answer the questions below and that you do NOT censor yourself or hold back on writing down any goal, dream, or wish.

This worksheet is not designed to become a 'to do' list for you, nor are you obligated to fulfill anything you list here.  The purpose of this worksheet is for you to capture a better view of all that is interesting to you (and possible for you) to experience or have in your lifetime.  ...so give yourself time to dream!

• 5 Things I value right now (i.e. communicty, honesty, justice, time with family, personal organization, etc).

• 5 Things I need most to improve my life today:
• At home I need:
• At work I need:
• From myself I need:
• For my health I need:

• 5 important things I can accomplish in the next 12 months.

• 5 Places I would love to see or visit within the next 3 years.

• 10 Things I am most proud of about myself and/or my life to date.

• The types of people I feel my best around and would do well to surround myself with.

• What matters most to me in my life.  (Do not leave blank, if you are not a 100% sure, write down what you think it might be.

• The top 5 behaviors, traits, or qualities I will leave this world being known for in my lifetime.

• 5 mportant decisions I am ready to make about myself and/or my life right now, today!  (Be very specific)

• This year, how you rank the following in order of priority:
• Friends/Community
• Health, well-being and peace of mind
• Spirtual connected-ness and/or religious faith
• Family
• Professional Career.

Keep your answers close to you as they will remind and motivate you toward what is most important to you this year.

Living Purposefully

1. Taking responsibility for formulating one's goals and purposes consciously.

2. Being concerned to identify the actions necessary to achieve one's goals.

3. Monitoring behavior to check that it is in alignment with one's goals.

4. Paying attention to the outcomes of one's actions, to know whether they are leading where one wants to go.

....check out Living with Purpose Now......a Worksheet.

Don't Quit

I've always loved this poem, so I am passing it on. :)

When things go wrong. as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low, and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
when he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don't give up though the pace seems slow,
You may succeed with another blow.

Success is failure turned inside out,
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,

It may be near when it seems so far;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit,
It's when things seem worst, that
YOU MUST NOT QUIT!!!

-C.W. Longenecker