Signs of Healthy Boundaries

• Appropriate trust
• Deciding whether a potential relationship will be good for you
• Weighing the consequences before acting on sexual impulse
• Revealing a little of yourself at a time, then checking to see how the other person responds to your sharing.
• Putting a new acquaintanceship on hold until you check for compatibility
• Moving step by step into intimacy
• Noticing when someone else displays inappropriate boundaries
• Noticing when someone invades your boundaries
• Respect for others - not taking advantage of someones generosity
• Trusting your own decisions
• Defining your truth, as you see it
• Self-respect - not giving too much in hope that someone will like you
• Knowing who you are and what you want
• Recognizing that friends and partners are not mind readers
• Clearly communicating your wants and needs (and recognizing that you may be turned down, but you can ask)

Setting Functional Boundaries

Boundary systems are invisible and symbolic "fences that have 3 purposes:

1. to keep people from coming into our space and abusing us
2. to keep us from going into the space of others and abusing them
3. to give each of us a way to embody our sense of "who" we are

Boundary systems have 2 parts: external and internal.  Our external boundary allows us to choose our distance from other people and enables us to give or refuse permission for them to touch us.  Our internal boundary protects our thinking, feelings, and behavior and keeps them functional.

The purpose of a boundary is to contain and protect reality.
     Reality is composed of four components.  These are:
1. the body or what we look like
2. thinking or how we give meaning to incoming data
3. feelings or our emotions
4. behavior or what we do or do not do.

There are 3 components of boundaries. The external system which protects the body and controls distance and touch; the internal system which protects thinking, feelings, and behavoir; and the spiritual system which occurs when two people are being intimate with one another and both are using their external and internal systems.

Internal Boundary Violations

• Yelling and screaming
• Name calliing
• Ridiculing a person
• Lying
• Breaking a commitment
• Patronizing a person
• Telling a person how he/she should be or what he/she should do
• Being sarcastic
• Shaming a person
• Negative control.

What I think or feel or do or don't do is more about me than it is about you.  Conversely, what you think and feel or do or don't do is more about you than it is about me.

Allowing a person access to ourselves, inside our boundaries, is a gesture of trust and intamcy.  We make ourselves vulnerable.  We can either experience affirmation or be wounded to the core.  Boundaries offer protection from the emotional or physical assaults of others. 

Developmental Stages Having a Direct Impact on Self-Esteem

First stage is Symbiotic - meaning a baby's total dependence on its mother, i.e., touch, voice, smell and vibrations.  Baby's identity and boundaries are tied directly to the mother and/or caregivers.  "I am you."

Second stage is Individuation or Hatching - Time of separation when child is beginning to gain some autonomy and begin to sense separateness from the mother. Children are learning their limits and use the word "mine" as a sign of ownership.  Holding and touching are important to the child as it seeks the safety of mother as well as explores the world outside the mother.  Holding and touching are important to the child as it seeks the safety of mother as well as explores the world outside of mother.  Children need to know that they are loved and wanted in order to develop healthy boundaries.  "I am ME."

Third stage is called Practicing, where children practice independence.  Not only about separating from the mother but also developing an attitude of exploration and curiosity.  When children learn "No!" They hear it from authorities and practice it also.  But they don't know the difference between "No" and "Yes", from a tantrum or from a boundary.  Requires a program of healthy discipline.  Failure to teach the child this results in a foggy sense of boundaries.  Cloud and Townsend define discipline as an "external boundary designed to develop internal boundaries" and is different from punishment which is "payment for a wrongdoing."  Thing about the boundaries for baseball, football, or basketball with foul lines, out of bounds and rules as well as the consequences for violating them.  Boundaries help children feel secure. "Mine."

Four stage is Interdependence.  When children learn they are part of a community and have a need to be connected. They make cordial friendships with others.  "I am me, you are you, and we need each other in our separateness."

**Healthy children need to progress from dependence to individuation to practicing to interdependence.  This progression provides them with a clear sense of identity, especially separate from the mother.  "I am me but I still need you."

During the first 3yrs of life, children need to master the following tasks:

1. Ability to be emotionally attached to others without giving up a sense of self and one's freedom to be apart.

2. Ability to say "No" appropriately to others without fear of loss of love, rejection or abandonment.

3. Ability to take appropriate "No" from others without withdrawing emotionally.

Dysfunctional Family Roles, which role did you play?

Dysfunctional Family Roles
The addict or Identified Problem:
Can be played by any member but usually one of the parents who is seen as the root cause of the family's dysfunction.  Extremely dependent and shifts the blame on someone or something else. Has repressed feelings of pain, guilt, shame, fear, and anger.  Is out of touch with reality and hides behind walls of anger, denial, charm, projection, blaming, and perfectionism.  Usually medicates pain and bad feelings with some addictive behavior/substance which temporarily relieves personal pain but does nothing to relieve the family's pain.  Compulsively uses people, places, or things.

The Chief Enabler:
One who is closest and most depended upon by the addict.  Does things for the person that contributes to addicts behavior, like calling into work for them and making up stories to cover up for the addict.  Does things for the addict that they should do for themselves, making more decisions, and taking more responsibilities, depending on the addict to justify role of caretaker.  Obsessed with controlling other's behavior.  Neglects self.  Super-responsible.  Wears a masked smile, pretending that everything is "fine."  Has repressed feelings of hurt, anger, emptiness, guilt, inadequacy.  Feels stuck, overwhelmed and powerless. Hides behind walls of martyrdom, seriousness, control, denial, people-pleasing, care taking, protecting, rescuing, over-responsibility, self-blaming, hostility, low self worth, physical illnesses and fragility.  Feel important and self-righteous.  Benefits family because someone is taking responsibility.  Pays the price through physical and emotional illness.  Is a control addict.

The Hero/The Good Child:
Usually the oldest child (not always).  Is super responsible, helping relieve the chief enabler by doing best to make good grades, be involved in extra-curricular activities, work an extra job - doing whatever makes the family look good.  Provides a sense of worth for the family.  The good child takes on adult responsibility at a young age, strives to accel at everything, takes on other people's problems and generally compensates for feelings of inferiority with a drive to accomplish and prove themselves. Has repressed feelings of guilt, inadequacy, loneliness, confusion, anger, and hurt.  Hides behind walls of trying to be special, people pleasing, helpfulness, approval-seeking, over-achieving, intellectualizing, being the little parent.  Gets a lot of attention and acclaim.  Is compulsive and driven, often becoming a workaholic. May become an addict in later life.

The Scapegoat: 
Often the 2nd child.  Rebelliousness takes the focus off the addict.  Has a strong peer group because feels like doesn't belong.  Carries the pain of the family.  Gets blamed for the problems in the family even though the behavior is a direct result and not the cause of the dysfunction.  Often gets in trouble with law, doing things on purpose subconsciously to get out of the family.  Has repressed feelings of insecurity, anger, hurt, rejection, fear, and loneliness.  Hides behind walls of rebelliousness, defiance, blaming, acting out, trouble-making, peer preference over family, chemical abuse, getting arrested, possibly going to prison, withdrawing. If a female, acting out may be sexual with an unplanned pregnancy.  Is a low achiever and high risk for suicide.

The Fixer:
Sometimes the same as the good child.  The fixer is constantly trying to smooth things out.  They become co-dependent.  They are fixed on solving others' problems in a way that ignores their own and allows the others to continue in self-destructive behavior. No group would be complete without them, they are often seen as the group's savior, yet their fixing is more like an aspirin than a cure.

The Lost Child/The Ghost :  
May be the middle child. Typically sweet, quiet and shy. Is the hidden one, the child who tries to make himself inconspicous as possible, is withdrawn,, never asks for anything for himself, is neither seen nor heard, often confused with the good child except they are not competitive.  This type of person is less likely to join groups, but if they do, they are quiet and unobtrusive, or they may do their disappearing act after they have volunteered for something. Offers family relief and doesn't worry them.  Learns to be compliant.  Tends to stay in a fantasy life, often ending up with emotional problems.  Can be manipulative and have difficulty with decision-making.  Often very creative!  Has repressed feelings of being ignored, confusion, hurt, inadequacy, unimportance and anger.  Hides behind walls of being quiet, withdrawn and invisible, being a loner, dreamer, and super-independent, avoiding stressful situations, low achiever, physical problems like asthma and bed-wetting, eating disorders, confused sexual identity, and promiscuous behavior.

The Mascot: 
Usually the youngest child.  Provide comic relief from tension of the family.  Tend to act cute, often immature and are not taken seriously.  Family regards them as fragile and in need of protection.  Enjoys the spotlight.  Has repressed feelings of being crazy, being scared, high anxiety, hurt loneliness, confusion, and pain.  Hide behind walls  or providing distraction, being gutsy, feeling special, having pets, seeking attention, and clowning around.  Usually hyperactive, fragile, compulsive givers, and can't handle stress.

Did you grow up in a disfunctional family?

Characteristics of Dysfunctional Families:

• It doesn't work, but often looks like it does
• It is a dictatorship run by the sickest member(s)
• Members are unable to find stability
• Lack of bounderies
• May have a member who is an alcoholic, drug addict or a variety of other different problems, such as serious illness, death in the family, or mental illness.
• May be connected to extramarital affairs, religious abuse, or other forms of abuse
• Anything that threatens or stresses the family.

Questions to ponder: 1) In what ways was my family dysfunctional? 2.) How did it affect me, what roles did I play, and what am I left with now? 3.) What do I do to work on the specific issues resulting from my dysfunctional family of origin (FOO).

Consequences of Growing Up in a Dysfunctional Family:

• May be unable to defend ourselves when being abused.
• May give others too much power in our lives or we assume to much power in other's lives
• May become unable to distinguish our own extreme or inappropriate behavior
• Our emotional needs were not met
• May become responsible for our parents or other family members resulting in loss of childhood
• Usually end up denying our basic needs.
• May have a distorted world view
• Become vulneralbe to whatever will keep our feelings contained
• Have insufficient contact with people who truly care about us
• Grow up without a sense of self
• May deny self by pretending to agree when we disagree
• May grow up hurting other people
• May decline to do things you really want to do for fear that you won't do it "right"
• May grow up feeling unsafe
• May grow up angry and with rage
• Learn to expect little from others but expect perfection from ourselves.

Sample Dysfunctional Family Rules:
     These rules are unhealthy, stifle personal growth,, are unrealistic, debilitating, are unpredictable because they are always changing, and are more non-verbal than verbal, subconscious than conscious.

• Don't talk; keep secrets from outsiders.
• Don't feel; don't express feelings instead stuff them
• Don't trust; someone will let you down
• Blame others; never accept responsibility
• Pretend that everything is "fine"
• Maintain control; look and act like the "perfect" family.
• Don't be selfish; it is not okay to have personal needs.
• Do as I say, not as I do.
• Don't rock the boat.
• Don't talk back; Don't ask questions, especially "Why?"
• Speak only when spoken to.

Characteristics of PERSONS with Healthy Boundaries

Those with healthy boundaries;

• Are secure within themselves and not threatened by others who are different, have different views or opinions, and are open enough to admit new ideas and perspectives without losing their individuality.
• Do not allow themselves to be intruded upon.  They don't become defensive when they say "No."
• Have a clear sense of their own views, values and priorities.  They make informed decisions about what they believe instead of allowing others to decide for them.
• Are able to discern safe and appropriate people with whom to disclose things about themselves.  Be careful about to whom you bare your soul.  People who have experienced rejection from caregivers often look for approval from people who are not able to give it to them.
• Have enough confidence in themselves that they are little affected by mean things others can say or do to them. They can withstand the attack and process their feelings instead of feeling defenselessness and stuffing their feelings.  Each person has a choice in what they do with the pain.  EMOTIONS DON'T REQUIRE REACTIONS!!!
• Can protect themselves without imprisoning themselves.  They choose to safely move in and out of relationships at will.
• Know how to assert themselves at appropriate times in order to stay out of the victim role. You know you are in the victim role if you are living out of shame, in fear of conflict, and tend to isolate in order to do anything to avoid conflict. 
• Able to enter into relationships with others without losing themselves.  Able to say, "I am not you."  To do so, you must be able to be who you are and able to connect with others without losing your identity.  Those who are codependent are unable to do this because they are preoccupied with the needs, values, and wants of others to the detriment of their own.

Characteristics of a Healthy Intimate Relationship

The goal in an intimate relationship is to feel calm, centered, and focused.
     The intimacy needs to be safe, supportive, respectful, non punitive and peaceful.

In a healthy intimate relationship...

• You should feel taken care of, wanted, unconditionally accepted and loved for just existing.
• You feel part of something and not alone in a healthy intimate relationship.
• You experience forgiving and being forgiven with little revenge or reminding of past offences.
• You find yourself giving thanks for your relationship.
• You experience being free to be who you are rather than who you think you need to be for the other.
• There is a sense of directness with plan and order.
• You should be free from the "paralysis of analysis" the need to analyze ever minute detail of what goes on in it.
• The relationship has its priorities in order, with people's feelings and process of the relationship coming before things and money.
• Encourages your personal growth and supports your individuality.
• This relationship does not result in you or your relationship partner becoming emotionally, physically, or intellectually dependent on one another.

....want more?  Go to http://www.coping.org/ and check out the Tools for Coping Series which will assist you and your relationship partner on achieving healthy boundaries. :)