- Appropriate trust
- Deciding whether a potential relationship will be good for you
- Weighing the consequences before acting on sexual impulse
- Revealing a little of yourself at a time, then checking to see how the other person responds to your sharing.
- Putting a new acquaintanceship on hold until you check for compatibility
- Moving step by step into intimacy
- Noticing when someone else displays inappropriate boundaries
- Noticing when someone invades your boundaries
- Respect for others - not taking advantage of someones generosity
- Trusting your own decisions
- Defining your truth, as you see it
- Self-respect - not giving too much in hope that someone will like you
- Knowing who you are and what you want
- Recognizing that friends and partners are not mind readers
- Clearly communicating your wants and needs (and recognizing that you may be turned down, but you can ask)
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Signs of Healthy Boundaries
Setting Functional Boundaries
Boundary systems are invisible and symbolic "fences that have 3 purposes:
1. to keep people from coming into our space and abusing us
2. to keep us from going into the space of others and abusing them
3. to give each of us a way to embody our sense of "who" we are
Boundary systems have 2 parts: external and internal. Our external boundary allows us to choose our distance from other people and enables us to give or refuse permission for them to touch us. Our internal boundary protects our thinking, feelings, and behavior and keeps them functional.
The purpose of a boundary is to contain and protect reality.
Reality is composed of four components. These are:
1. the body or what we look like
2. thinking or how we give meaning to incoming data
3. feelings or our emotions
4. behavior or what we do or do not do.
There are 3 components of boundaries. The external system which protects the body and controls distance and touch; the internal system which protects thinking, feelings, and behavoir; and the spiritual system which occurs when two people are being intimate with one another and both are using their external and internal systems.
Internal Boundary Violations
Allowing a person access to ourselves, inside our boundaries, is a gesture of trust and intamcy. We make ourselves vulnerable. We can either experience affirmation or be wounded to the core. Boundaries offer protection from the emotional or physical assaults of others.
1. to keep people from coming into our space and abusing us
2. to keep us from going into the space of others and abusing them
3. to give each of us a way to embody our sense of "who" we are
Boundary systems have 2 parts: external and internal. Our external boundary allows us to choose our distance from other people and enables us to give or refuse permission for them to touch us. Our internal boundary protects our thinking, feelings, and behavior and keeps them functional.
The purpose of a boundary is to contain and protect reality.
Reality is composed of four components. These are:
1. the body or what we look like
2. thinking or how we give meaning to incoming data
3. feelings or our emotions
4. behavior or what we do or do not do.
There are 3 components of boundaries. The external system which protects the body and controls distance and touch; the internal system which protects thinking, feelings, and behavoir; and the spiritual system which occurs when two people are being intimate with one another and both are using their external and internal systems.
Internal Boundary Violations
- Yelling and screaming
- Name calliing
- Ridiculing a person
- Lying
- Breaking a commitment
- Patronizing a person
- Telling a person how he/she should be or what he/she should do
- Being sarcastic
- Shaming a person
- Negative control.
Allowing a person access to ourselves, inside our boundaries, is a gesture of trust and intamcy. We make ourselves vulnerable. We can either experience affirmation or be wounded to the core. Boundaries offer protection from the emotional or physical assaults of others.
Developmental Stages Having a Direct Impact on Self-Esteem
First stage is Symbiotic - meaning a baby's total dependence on its mother, i.e., touch, voice, smell and vibrations. Baby's identity and boundaries are tied directly to the mother and/or caregivers. "I am you."
Second stage is Individuation or Hatching - Time of separation when child is beginning to gain some autonomy and begin to sense separateness from the mother. Children are learning their limits and use the word "mine" as a sign of ownership. Holding and touching are important to the child as it seeks the safety of mother as well as explores the world outside the mother. Holding and touching are important to the child as it seeks the safety of mother as well as explores the world outside of mother. Children need to know that they are loved and wanted in order to develop healthy boundaries. "I am ME."
Third stage is called Practicing, where children practice independence. Not only about separating from the mother but also developing an attitude of exploration and curiosity. When children learn "No!" They hear it from authorities and practice it also. But they don't know the difference between "No" and "Yes", from a tantrum or from a boundary. Requires a program of healthy discipline. Failure to teach the child this results in a foggy sense of boundaries. Cloud and Townsend define discipline as an "external boundary designed to develop internal boundaries" and is different from punishment which is "payment for a wrongdoing." Thing about the boundaries for baseball, football, or basketball with foul lines, out of bounds and rules as well as the consequences for violating them. Boundaries help children feel secure. "Mine."
Four stage is Interdependence. When children learn they are part of a community and have a need to be connected. They make cordial friendships with others. "I am me, you are you, and we need each other in our separateness."
**Healthy children need to progress from dependence to individuation to practicing to interdependence. This progression provides them with a clear sense of identity, especially separate from the mother. "I am me but I still need you."
During the first 3yrs of life, children need to master the following tasks:
1. Ability to be emotionally attached to others without giving up a sense of self and one's freedom to be apart.
2. Ability to say "No" appropriately to others without fear of loss of love, rejection or abandonment.
3. Ability to take appropriate "No" from others without withdrawing emotionally.
Second stage is Individuation or Hatching - Time of separation when child is beginning to gain some autonomy and begin to sense separateness from the mother. Children are learning their limits and use the word "mine" as a sign of ownership. Holding and touching are important to the child as it seeks the safety of mother as well as explores the world outside the mother. Holding and touching are important to the child as it seeks the safety of mother as well as explores the world outside of mother. Children need to know that they are loved and wanted in order to develop healthy boundaries. "I am ME."
Third stage is called Practicing, where children practice independence. Not only about separating from the mother but also developing an attitude of exploration and curiosity. When children learn "No!" They hear it from authorities and practice it also. But they don't know the difference between "No" and "Yes", from a tantrum or from a boundary. Requires a program of healthy discipline. Failure to teach the child this results in a foggy sense of boundaries. Cloud and Townsend define discipline as an "external boundary designed to develop internal boundaries" and is different from punishment which is "payment for a wrongdoing." Thing about the boundaries for baseball, football, or basketball with foul lines, out of bounds and rules as well as the consequences for violating them. Boundaries help children feel secure. "Mine."
Four stage is Interdependence. When children learn they are part of a community and have a need to be connected. They make cordial friendships with others. "I am me, you are you, and we need each other in our separateness."
**Healthy children need to progress from dependence to individuation to practicing to interdependence. This progression provides them with a clear sense of identity, especially separate from the mother. "I am me but I still need you."
During the first 3yrs of life, children need to master the following tasks:
1. Ability to be emotionally attached to others without giving up a sense of self and one's freedom to be apart.
2. Ability to say "No" appropriately to others without fear of loss of love, rejection or abandonment.
3. Ability to take appropriate "No" from others without withdrawing emotionally.
Dysfunctional Family Roles, which role did you play?
Dysfunctional Family Roles
The addict or Identified Problem:
Can be played by any member but usually one of the parents who is seen as the root cause of the family's dysfunction. Extremely dependent and shifts the blame on someone or something else. Has repressed feelings of pain, guilt, shame, fear, and anger. Is out of touch with reality and hides behind walls of anger, denial, charm, projection, blaming, and perfectionism. Usually medicates pain and bad feelings with some addictive behavior/substance which temporarily relieves personal pain but does nothing to relieve the family's pain. Compulsively uses people, places, or things.
The Chief Enabler:
One who is closest and most depended upon by the addict. Does things for the person that contributes to addicts behavior, like calling into work for them and making up stories to cover up for the addict. Does things for the addict that they should do for themselves, making more decisions, and taking more responsibilities, depending on the addict to justify role of caretaker. Obsessed with controlling other's behavior. Neglects self. Super-responsible. Wears a masked smile, pretending that everything is "fine." Has repressed feelings of hurt, anger, emptiness, guilt, inadequacy. Feels stuck, overwhelmed and powerless. Hides behind walls of martyrdom, seriousness, control, denial, people-pleasing, care taking, protecting, rescuing, over-responsibility, self-blaming, hostility, low self worth, physical illnesses and fragility. Feel important and self-righteous. Benefits family because someone is taking responsibility. Pays the price through physical and emotional illness. Is a control addict.
The Hero/The Good Child:
Usually the oldest child (not always). Is super responsible, helping relieve the chief enabler by doing best to make good grades, be involved in extra-curricular activities, work an extra job - doing whatever makes the family look good. Provides a sense of worth for the family. The good child takes on adult responsibility at a young age, strives to accel at everything, takes on other people's problems and generally compensates for feelings of inferiority with a drive to accomplish and prove themselves. Has repressed feelings of guilt, inadequacy, loneliness, confusion, anger, and hurt. Hides behind walls of trying to be special, people pleasing, helpfulness, approval-seeking, over-achieving, intellectualizing, being the little parent. Gets a lot of attention and acclaim. Is compulsive and driven, often becoming a workaholic. May become an addict in later life.
The Scapegoat:
Often the 2nd child. Rebelliousness takes the focus off the addict. Has a strong peer group because feels like doesn't belong. Carries the pain of the family. Gets blamed for the problems in the family even though the behavior is a direct result and not the cause of the dysfunction. Often gets in trouble with law, doing things on purpose subconsciously to get out of the family. Has repressed feelings of insecurity, anger, hurt, rejection, fear, and loneliness. Hides behind walls of rebelliousness, defiance, blaming, acting out, trouble-making, peer preference over family, chemical abuse, getting arrested, possibly going to prison, withdrawing. If a female, acting out may be sexual with an unplanned pregnancy. Is a low achiever and high risk for suicide.
The Fixer:
Sometimes the same as the good child. The fixer is constantly trying to smooth things out. They become co-dependent. They are fixed on solving others' problems in a way that ignores their own and allows the others to continue in self-destructive behavior. No group would be complete without them, they are often seen as the group's savior, yet their fixing is more like an aspirin than a cure.
The Lost Child/The Ghost :
May be the middle child. Typically sweet, quiet and shy. Is the hidden one, the child who tries to make himself inconspicous as possible, is withdrawn,, never asks for anything for himself, is neither seen nor heard, often confused with the good child except they are not competitive. This type of person is less likely to join groups, but if they do, they are quiet and unobtrusive, or they may do their disappearing act after they have volunteered for something. Offers family relief and doesn't worry them. Learns to be compliant. Tends to stay in a fantasy life, often ending up with emotional problems. Can be manipulative and have difficulty with decision-making. Often very creative! Has repressed feelings of being ignored, confusion, hurt, inadequacy, unimportance and anger. Hides behind walls of being quiet, withdrawn and invisible, being a loner, dreamer, and super-independent, avoiding stressful situations, low achiever, physical problems like asthma and bed-wetting, eating disorders, confused sexual identity, and promiscuous behavior.
The Mascot:
Usually the youngest child. Provide comic relief from tension of the family. Tend to act cute, often immature and are not taken seriously. Family regards them as fragile and in need of protection. Enjoys the spotlight. Has repressed feelings of being crazy, being scared, high anxiety, hurt loneliness, confusion, and pain. Hide behind walls or providing distraction, being gutsy, feeling special, having pets, seeking attention, and clowning around. Usually hyperactive, fragile, compulsive givers, and can't handle stress.
The addict or Identified Problem:
Can be played by any member but usually one of the parents who is seen as the root cause of the family's dysfunction. Extremely dependent and shifts the blame on someone or something else. Has repressed feelings of pain, guilt, shame, fear, and anger. Is out of touch with reality and hides behind walls of anger, denial, charm, projection, blaming, and perfectionism. Usually medicates pain and bad feelings with some addictive behavior/substance which temporarily relieves personal pain but does nothing to relieve the family's pain. Compulsively uses people, places, or things.
The Chief Enabler:
One who is closest and most depended upon by the addict. Does things for the person that contributes to addicts behavior, like calling into work for them and making up stories to cover up for the addict. Does things for the addict that they should do for themselves, making more decisions, and taking more responsibilities, depending on the addict to justify role of caretaker. Obsessed with controlling other's behavior. Neglects self. Super-responsible. Wears a masked smile, pretending that everything is "fine." Has repressed feelings of hurt, anger, emptiness, guilt, inadequacy. Feels stuck, overwhelmed and powerless. Hides behind walls of martyrdom, seriousness, control, denial, people-pleasing, care taking, protecting, rescuing, over-responsibility, self-blaming, hostility, low self worth, physical illnesses and fragility. Feel important and self-righteous. Benefits family because someone is taking responsibility. Pays the price through physical and emotional illness. Is a control addict.
The Hero/The Good Child:
Usually the oldest child (not always). Is super responsible, helping relieve the chief enabler by doing best to make good grades, be involved in extra-curricular activities, work an extra job - doing whatever makes the family look good. Provides a sense of worth for the family. The good child takes on adult responsibility at a young age, strives to accel at everything, takes on other people's problems and generally compensates for feelings of inferiority with a drive to accomplish and prove themselves. Has repressed feelings of guilt, inadequacy, loneliness, confusion, anger, and hurt. Hides behind walls of trying to be special, people pleasing, helpfulness, approval-seeking, over-achieving, intellectualizing, being the little parent. Gets a lot of attention and acclaim. Is compulsive and driven, often becoming a workaholic. May become an addict in later life.
The Scapegoat:
Often the 2nd child. Rebelliousness takes the focus off the addict. Has a strong peer group because feels like doesn't belong. Carries the pain of the family. Gets blamed for the problems in the family even though the behavior is a direct result and not the cause of the dysfunction. Often gets in trouble with law, doing things on purpose subconsciously to get out of the family. Has repressed feelings of insecurity, anger, hurt, rejection, fear, and loneliness. Hides behind walls of rebelliousness, defiance, blaming, acting out, trouble-making, peer preference over family, chemical abuse, getting arrested, possibly going to prison, withdrawing. If a female, acting out may be sexual with an unplanned pregnancy. Is a low achiever and high risk for suicide.
The Fixer:
Sometimes the same as the good child. The fixer is constantly trying to smooth things out. They become co-dependent. They are fixed on solving others' problems in a way that ignores their own and allows the others to continue in self-destructive behavior. No group would be complete without them, they are often seen as the group's savior, yet their fixing is more like an aspirin than a cure.
The Lost Child/The Ghost :
May be the middle child. Typically sweet, quiet and shy. Is the hidden one, the child who tries to make himself inconspicous as possible, is withdrawn,, never asks for anything for himself, is neither seen nor heard, often confused with the good child except they are not competitive. This type of person is less likely to join groups, but if they do, they are quiet and unobtrusive, or they may do their disappearing act after they have volunteered for something. Offers family relief and doesn't worry them. Learns to be compliant. Tends to stay in a fantasy life, often ending up with emotional problems. Can be manipulative and have difficulty with decision-making. Often very creative! Has repressed feelings of being ignored, confusion, hurt, inadequacy, unimportance and anger. Hides behind walls of being quiet, withdrawn and invisible, being a loner, dreamer, and super-independent, avoiding stressful situations, low achiever, physical problems like asthma and bed-wetting, eating disorders, confused sexual identity, and promiscuous behavior.
The Mascot:
Usually the youngest child. Provide comic relief from tension of the family. Tend to act cute, often immature and are not taken seriously. Family regards them as fragile and in need of protection. Enjoys the spotlight. Has repressed feelings of being crazy, being scared, high anxiety, hurt loneliness, confusion, and pain. Hide behind walls or providing distraction, being gutsy, feeling special, having pets, seeking attention, and clowning around. Usually hyperactive, fragile, compulsive givers, and can't handle stress.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Did you grow up in a disfunctional family?
Characteristics of Dysfunctional Families:
Consequences of Growing Up in a Dysfunctional Family:
These rules are unhealthy, stifle personal growth,, are unrealistic, debilitating, are unpredictable because they are always changing, and are more non-verbal than verbal, subconscious than conscious.
- It doesn't work, but often looks like it does
- It is a dictatorship run by the sickest member(s)
- Members are unable to find stability
- Lack of bounderies
- May have a member who is an alcoholic, drug addict or a variety of other different problems, such as serious illness, death in the family, or mental illness.
- May be connected to extramarital affairs, religious abuse, or other forms of abuse
- Anything that threatens or stresses the family.
Consequences of Growing Up in a Dysfunctional Family:
- May be unable to defend ourselves when being abused.
- May give others too much power in our lives or we assume to much power in other's lives
- May become unable to distinguish our own extreme or inappropriate behavior
- Our emotional needs were not met
- May become responsible for our parents or other family members resulting in loss of childhood
- Usually end up denying our basic needs.
- May have a distorted world view
- Become vulneralbe to whatever will keep our feelings contained
- Have insufficient contact with people who truly care about us
- Grow up without a sense of self
- May deny self by pretending to agree when we disagree
- May grow up hurting other people
- May decline to do things you really want to do for fear that you won't do it "right"
- May grow up feeling unsafe
- May grow up angry and with rage
- Learn to expect little from others but expect perfection from ourselves.
These rules are unhealthy, stifle personal growth,, are unrealistic, debilitating, are unpredictable because they are always changing, and are more non-verbal than verbal, subconscious than conscious.
- Don't talk; keep secrets from outsiders.
- Don't feel; don't express feelings instead stuff them
- Don't trust; someone will let you down
- Blame others; never accept responsibility
- Pretend that everything is "fine"
- Maintain control; look and act like the "perfect" family.
- Don't be selfish; it is not okay to have personal needs.
- Do as I say, not as I do.
- Don't rock the boat.
- Don't talk back; Don't ask questions, especially "Why?"
- Speak only when spoken to.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Characteristics of PERSONS with Healthy Boundaries
Those with healthy boundaries;
- Are secure within themselves and not threatened by others who are different, have different views or opinions, and are open enough to admit new ideas and perspectives without losing their individuality.
- Do not allow themselves to be intruded upon. They don't become defensive when they say "No."
- Have a clear sense of their own views, values and priorities. They make informed decisions about what they believe instead of allowing others to decide for them.
- Are able to discern safe and appropriate people with whom to disclose things about themselves. Be careful about to whom you bare your soul. People who have experienced rejection from caregivers often look for approval from people who are not able to give it to them.
- Have enough confidence in themselves that they are little affected by mean things others can say or do to them. They can withstand the attack and process their feelings instead of feeling defenselessness and stuffing their feelings. Each person has a choice in what they do with the pain. EMOTIONS DON'T REQUIRE REACTIONS!!!
- Can protect themselves without imprisoning themselves. They choose to safely move in and out of relationships at will.
- Know how to assert themselves at appropriate times in order to stay out of the victim role. You know you are in the victim role if you are living out of shame, in fear of conflict, and tend to isolate in order to do anything to avoid conflict.
- Able to enter into relationships with others without losing themselves. Able to say, "I am not you." To do so, you must be able to be who you are and able to connect with others without losing your identity. Those who are codependent are unable to do this because they are preoccupied with the needs, values, and wants of others to the detriment of their own.
Characteristics of a Healthy Intimate Relationship
The goal in an intimate relationship is to feel calm, centered, and focused.
The intimacy needs to be safe, supportive, respectful, non punitive and peaceful.
In a healthy intimate relationship...
The intimacy needs to be safe, supportive, respectful, non punitive and peaceful.
In a healthy intimate relationship...
- You should feel taken care of, wanted, unconditionally accepted and loved for just existing.
- You feel part of something and not alone in a healthy intimate relationship.
- You experience forgiving and being forgiven with little revenge or reminding of past offences.
- You find yourself giving thanks for your relationship.
- You experience being free to be who you are rather than who you think you need to be for the other.
- There is a sense of directness with plan and order.
- You should be free from the "paralysis of analysis" the need to analyze ever minute detail of what goes on in it.
- The relationship has its priorities in order, with people's feelings and process of the relationship coming before things and money.
- Encourages your personal growth and supports your individuality.
- This relationship does not result in you or your relationship partner becoming emotionally, physically, or intellectually dependent on one another.
Boundaries - What are they?
Boundaries:
"A boundary is a limit or edge that defines us as separate from others...where you and I begin." (Anne Katherine, Boundaries).
"Where I end and someone else begins." (Dr's. Cloud and Townsend, Boundaries).
"...any line or thing marking a limit; bound as to limit or confine; border" (Websters New World College Dictionary).
"A boundary is a limit or edge that defines us as separate from others...where you and I begin." (Anne Katherine, Boundaries).
"Where I end and someone else begins." (Dr's. Cloud and Townsend, Boundaries).
"...any line or thing marking a limit; bound as to limit or confine; border" (Websters New World College Dictionary).
- Like maps, boundaries help us find our way down the road of life.
- Boundaries show us how to protect ourselves.
- Boundaries point out unsafe places in relationships.
- Show us how to protect ourselves.
- Boundaries tell me who I am.
I AM NOT YOU!!!
Boundaries & self-esteem go hand in hand.
Boundary violations occur "when one trespasses on the other's personhood, when one crosses a line and tries to control the feelings, attitudes, behaviors, choices, and values of the other." (Cloud and Townsend).
There are 5 areas of boundaries:
Relational, Physical, Sexual, Emotional, and Spiritual.
Abuse or violation in any one area usually affects ALL the other areas. Boundary violation is against the whole person: spirit, mind, emotion, will and body.
Barriers to healthy boundaries in relationships
Possible Barriers:
- Developed fear of rejection and abandonment all the while allowing ourselves to be rejected and abandoned by others and we rejected and abandoned them.
- Ran off the people we need to keep in our lives and couldn't get away from those that we don't need.
- Shame as a child growing up prevented us from being our true selves due to lack of nurturning in our family of origin.
- Learned survival techniques by creating a false self (persona, mask)
- Lack of awareness (consciousness) caused us to look for nurturance from other needy people.
- Wanting to trust but don't trust ourselves and end up projecting our distrust onto everyone else.
- Learned to Control or be controlled
- Learned to substitute for lust for love.
- Looking for someone to feel close but substitued sex for closeness.
- Looking for someone to understand how I feel but I don't know how I feel.
- Wanting to be honest but our false self doesn't know the or understand the truth.
- Wanting to share our lives with someone but don't know who we are in order to share.
- Have difficulty giving and receiving in relationships.
- Lack of emotional mirroring or modeling during childhood
- Learned from the authority figures in our lives that what we was was not what we saw, what we heard was not what we heard, what we felt was not what we felt.
- I don't know who I am.
- You don't know who you are.
Boundaries - Intamcy in Relationships
Boundaries: How I treat YOU, How I let you treat ME, How I treat MYSELF!!
Intimacy- "Knowing and being known for who we really are in all aspects of our lives. Intimacy is being able to bring the truth of who I am to you, being received and accepted for who I am without your needing to fix me, and you being received and accepted by me for who you are without my trying to fix you.
Healthy Boundary prerequisite: "I have to know who I am before I can share me with you. You have to know who you are before you can share you with me."
Intimacy- "Knowing and being known for who we really are in all aspects of our lives. Intimacy is being able to bring the truth of who I am to you, being received and accepted for who I am without your needing to fix me, and you being received and accepted by me for who you are without my trying to fix you.
Healthy Boundary prerequisite: "I have to know who I am before I can share me with you. You have to know who you are before you can share you with me."
Monday, February 21, 2011
To all of you who have overcome adversity :)
I AM STRONG
Because I know my weakness
I AM BEAUTIFUL
Because I see my flaws
I AM A LOVER
Because I have felt hate
I AM FEARLESS
Because I have been afraid
I AM WISE
Because I have been foolish
AND I CAN LAUGH
Because I have known sadness.
Living with Purpose Now....a worksheet
This is a worksheet that will help you live more purposefully. It is imperative that as you answer the questions below and that you do NOT censor yourself or hold back on writing down any goal, dream, or wish.
This worksheet is not designed to become a 'to do' list for you, nor are you obligated to fulfill anything you list here. The purpose of this worksheet is for you to capture a better view of all that is interesting to you (and possible for you) to experience or have in your lifetime. ...so give yourself time to dream!
Keep your answers close to you as they will remind and motivate you toward what is most important to you this year.
This worksheet is not designed to become a 'to do' list for you, nor are you obligated to fulfill anything you list here. The purpose of this worksheet is for you to capture a better view of all that is interesting to you (and possible for you) to experience or have in your lifetime. ...so give yourself time to dream!
- 5 Things I value right now (i.e. communicty, honesty, justice, time with family, personal organization, etc).
- 5 Things I need most to improve my life today:
- At home I need:
- At work I need:
- From myself I need:
- For my health I need:
- 5 important things I can accomplish in the next 12 months.
- 5 Places I would love to see or visit within the next 3 years.
- 10 Things I am most proud of about myself and/or my life to date.
- The types of people I feel my best around and would do well to surround myself with.
- What matters most to me in my life. (Do not leave blank, if you are not a 100% sure, write down what you think it might be.
- The top 5 behaviors, traits, or qualities I will leave this world being known for in my lifetime.
- 5 mportant decisions I am ready to make about myself and/or my life right now, today! (Be very specific)
- This year, how you rank the following in order of priority:
- Friends/Community
- Health, well-being and peace of mind
- Spirtual connected-ness and/or religious faith
- Family
- Professional Career.
Keep your answers close to you as they will remind and motivate you toward what is most important to you this year.
Living Purposefully
1. Taking responsibility for formulating one's goals and purposes consciously.
2. Being concerned to identify the actions necessary to achieve one's goals.
3. Monitoring behavior to check that it is in alignment with one's goals.
4. Paying attention to the outcomes of one's actions, to know whether they are leading where one wants to go.
....check out Living with Purpose Now......a Worksheet.
2. Being concerned to identify the actions necessary to achieve one's goals.
3. Monitoring behavior to check that it is in alignment with one's goals.
4. Paying attention to the outcomes of one's actions, to know whether they are leading where one wants to go.
....check out Living with Purpose Now......a Worksheet.
Don't Quit
I've always loved this poem, so I am passing it on. :)
When things go wrong. as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low, and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.
Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
when he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don't give up though the pace seems slow,
You may succeed with another blow.
Success is failure turned inside out,
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit,
It's when things seem worst, that
YOU MUST NOT QUIT!!!
-C.W. Longenecker
When things go wrong. as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low, and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.
Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
when he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don't give up though the pace seems slow,
You may succeed with another blow.
Success is failure turned inside out,
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit,
It's when things seem worst, that
YOU MUST NOT QUIT!!!
-C.W. Longenecker
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Stuck finding a solution to a problem that should be changed?
As yourself the following questions:
A. What is keeping me from solving this problem?
B. What is keeping me from taking any of the possible actions available to me to solve this problem?
C. How do I feel about choosing an action with an outcome of which I am uncertain?
a. What is it about which I am uncertain?
b. What is the worst possible thing that could happen if:
I take the action needed?
I do not take the action needed?
D. What are the blocks and barriers in me, keeping me from taking this "uncertain" action about which I am unsure?
a. What are the possible consequences of ignoring this problem?
b. What are the possible consequences of not taking the risks necessary?
c. What do I need right now to take the risks necessary?
d. What do I need in order to live with myself in case the action I take results in an even more negative situation than I currently have?
**If you find you are still unable to take risk, brainstorm the following:
Alternative, more appealing solutions to the ones you have already identified
Alternative, consequences to not solving the problem
Reasons for not taking a risk over this issue
What would your life be like if you refused to take a risk on this issue?
** Still not sure what to do? Try this...
Visualize a successful solution to the problem in which you not only took a risk but were also a winner.
Keep this visualization active in your mind for a 20 minute meditation period while you rest in a relaxed state. Do this 3 times a day until you feel strong enough to take the risk
A. What is keeping me from solving this problem?
B. What is keeping me from taking any of the possible actions available to me to solve this problem?
C. How do I feel about choosing an action with an outcome of which I am uncertain?
a. What is it about which I am uncertain?
b. What is the worst possible thing that could happen if:
I take the action needed?
I do not take the action needed?
D. What are the blocks and barriers in me, keeping me from taking this "uncertain" action about which I am unsure?
a. What are the possible consequences of ignoring this problem?
b. What are the possible consequences of not taking the risks necessary?
c. What do I need right now to take the risks necessary?
d. What do I need in order to live with myself in case the action I take results in an even more negative situation than I currently have?
**If you find you are still unable to take risk, brainstorm the following:
Alternative, more appealing solutions to the ones you have already identified
Alternative, consequences to not solving the problem
Reasons for not taking a risk over this issue
What would your life be like if you refused to take a risk on this issue?
** Still not sure what to do? Try this...
Visualize a successful solution to the problem in which you not only took a risk but were also a winner.
Keep this visualization active in your mind for a 20 minute meditation period while you rest in a relaxed state. Do this 3 times a day until you feel strong enough to take the risk
Consequences of NOT taking Risk
The problem or complaint going unresolved
Change being avoided
Maintenance of the status quo, even if its negative
Others turning off to your complaints and pleas for help
No gains in life C stagnation
Over-dependence on others to take care of you
Unhappiness concerning your current status in life
Depression over your problems
Feelings of being stuck C immobilized
A chronic "yes, Y but" attitude
Lack of creativity in problem solving
The problems becoming exacerbated
Your rights and the rights of others being ignored
Experiencing "burnout" in facing your problems
Loss of support from others who have been assisting you in working on your problems.
Loss of physical health
Loss of emotional health
Being isolated and ignored by others as you wallow in self-pity
Your blaming others for not helping to solve your problems
Your self-destructive, self medicating, or self-defeating behavior.
Change being avoided
Maintenance of the status quo, even if its negative
Others turning off to your complaints and pleas for help
No gains in life C stagnation
Over-dependence on others to take care of you
Unhappiness concerning your current status in life
Depression over your problems
Feelings of being stuck C immobilized
A chronic "yes, Y but" attitude
Lack of creativity in problem solving
The problems becoming exacerbated
Your rights and the rights of others being ignored
Experiencing "burnout" in facing your problems
Loss of support from others who have been assisting you in working on your problems.
Loss of physical health
Loss of emotional health
Being isolated and ignored by others as you wallow in self-pity
Your blaming others for not helping to solve your problems
Your self-destructive, self medicating, or self-defeating behavior.
Road Blocks to becoming a risk taker
Fear of rejection
Need for approval
Need to avoid guilt
Need to always be right
Need to know all the "ins" and outs" of a situation
Need for certainty
Lack of belief in yourself and others
Fear of being incompetent
Desire to avoid conflict
Unresolved anger
Poor role modeling in family of origin
Fear of failure
Unwillingness to face problems honestly
Lack of assertiveness in protection of your own rights
Inability to take the responsiblity for your own life
Unwillingness to accept possible negative consequences
Preferring to be unhappy, mired in your problem
Playing it safe
A need for security
Fear of hurting others
Rationalizing the lack of need for direct action
Denial that a problem exists, and action needs to be taken
Projecting the need for action onto others
Intellectualizing about a problem to avoid action
Exempting yourself of responsibility to resolve your problems
Alcohol or drug abuse "clouding" thinking
Over emotional response to a problem
Humoring yourself and others to ignore the problem
Over concern for everybody but yourself
Fear of pain (no pain, no gain)
Absence of desire to change
Irrational belief that it is impossible to change the situation
A disregard for the rights of yourself and others
Confusion about your role in handling the problem
Lack of ownership of the problem
Over-sentimentality for the needs of others
Enjoying the sympathy you receive from others for the problem you face
Inablility to let go of an old belief in a person or institution
A belief that life should always be fair
Need for approval
Need to avoid guilt
Need to always be right
Need to know all the "ins" and outs" of a situation
Need for certainty
Lack of belief in yourself and others
Fear of being incompetent
Desire to avoid conflict
Unresolved anger
Poor role modeling in family of origin
Fear of failure
Unwillingness to face problems honestly
Lack of assertiveness in protection of your own rights
Inability to take the responsiblity for your own life
Unwillingness to accept possible negative consequences
Preferring to be unhappy, mired in your problem
Playing it safe
A need for security
Fear of hurting others
Rationalizing the lack of need for direct action
Denial that a problem exists, and action needs to be taken
Projecting the need for action onto others
Intellectualizing about a problem to avoid action
Exempting yourself of responsibility to resolve your problems
Alcohol or drug abuse "clouding" thinking
Over emotional response to a problem
Humoring yourself and others to ignore the problem
Over concern for everybody but yourself
Fear of pain (no pain, no gain)
Absence of desire to change
Irrational belief that it is impossible to change the situation
A disregard for the rights of yourself and others
Confusion about your role in handling the problem
Lack of ownership of the problem
Over-sentimentality for the needs of others
Enjoying the sympathy you receive from others for the problem you face
Inablility to let go of an old belief in a person or institution
A belief that life should always be fair
Risk Taking is:
Opening yourself to change. It is the accepting of the need for change and it is taking the behavioral steps that will result in that change.
Honest appraisal of a situation in life requiring your action.
Weighing the pros and cons of taking the action.
Making a choice to take the required action.
Performing the action with full consciousness of the risk, pros, and cons, and potential outcome.
Accepting the consequences of such action
The ability to ignore your needs for other's approval in order to take the most appropriate action for you.
The behavioral process involving the gamble that you may experience rejection from others for the actions you have chosen to take.
Pursuing the required actions despite the fear that it will affect others negatively, resulting in their efforts to make you feel guilty about taking such action.
Deciding to make a personal sacrifice of time, energy, ability, and knowledge as an investment to better your circumstances.
Hoping your circumstances will improve as a result of your personal sacrifice, but making it anyway.
The effort to be honest with yourself about your part in interpersonal problems, admitting that you have personal barriers that prevent the resolution of the problem.
Admitting to the others(s) involved what the barriers are and seeking assistance to address those barriers and resolve the problems. Committing to become objective in pursuing a rational approach to the problem.
The willingness to identify irrational blocking beliefs, which hinder resolutions.
Opening yourself to be identified as being too subjective, too emotional, too obstructing, and too hindering in the resolution of your problem.
The willingness to accept honest, objective feedback about the need for you to change your own behavior.
The effort to be less subjective, less defensive, and more open in your search for truth, honesty, and sanity in resolving your problems.
The willingness to take a healing, forgiving, and forgetting attitude in pursuing the resolution of a conflict.
Opening yourself to be vulnerable, to being taken advantage of by the other in the conflict situation.
Demonstrating your trust in the other person's willingness to accept an honest, open, and upfront approach to resolving conflict.
A "Now"-oriented action
Direct confrontation of a problem. It is the absence of procrastination and denial in dealing with a problem.
Responsible action taken to pursue the resolution of a problem.
Honest appraisal of a situation in life requiring your action.
Weighing the pros and cons of taking the action.
Making a choice to take the required action.
Performing the action with full consciousness of the risk, pros, and cons, and potential outcome.
Accepting the consequences of such action
The ability to ignore your needs for other's approval in order to take the most appropriate action for you.
The behavioral process involving the gamble that you may experience rejection from others for the actions you have chosen to take.
Pursuing the required actions despite the fear that it will affect others negatively, resulting in their efforts to make you feel guilty about taking such action.
Deciding to make a personal sacrifice of time, energy, ability, and knowledge as an investment to better your circumstances.
Hoping your circumstances will improve as a result of your personal sacrifice, but making it anyway.
The effort to be honest with yourself about your part in interpersonal problems, admitting that you have personal barriers that prevent the resolution of the problem.
Admitting to the others(s) involved what the barriers are and seeking assistance to address those barriers and resolve the problems. Committing to become objective in pursuing a rational approach to the problem.
The willingness to identify irrational blocking beliefs, which hinder resolutions.
Opening yourself to be identified as being too subjective, too emotional, too obstructing, and too hindering in the resolution of your problem.
The willingness to accept honest, objective feedback about the need for you to change your own behavior.
The effort to be less subjective, less defensive, and more open in your search for truth, honesty, and sanity in resolving your problems.
The willingness to take a healing, forgiving, and forgetting attitude in pursuing the resolution of a conflict.
Opening yourself to be vulnerable, to being taken advantage of by the other in the conflict situation.
Demonstrating your trust in the other person's willingness to accept an honest, open, and upfront approach to resolving conflict.
A "Now"-oriented action
Direct confrontation of a problem. It is the absence of procrastination and denial in dealing with a problem.
Responsible action taken to pursue the resolution of a problem.
Risk
To laugh is to risk appearing a fool
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental
To reach out for another is to risk involvemnt
To expose feelings is to risk rejection
To place your dreams before the crowd is to risk ridicule
To love is to risk no being loved in return
To go forward in the face of overwhelming odds is to risk failure
But risks must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing. One may avoid suffering and sorrow, he cannot learn, feel, change, grow or love. Chained by the certitude's, he/she is slave. Freedom forfeited, for only a person who takes risks is free.
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental
To reach out for another is to risk involvemnt
To expose feelings is to risk rejection
To place your dreams before the crowd is to risk ridicule
To love is to risk no being loved in return
To go forward in the face of overwhelming odds is to risk failure
But risks must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing. One may avoid suffering and sorrow, he cannot learn, feel, change, grow or love. Chained by the certitude's, he/she is slave. Freedom forfeited, for only a person who takes risks is free.
Self Responsibility
I am responsible for the achievement of my desires.
I am responsible for my choices and actions
I am responsible for the level of consciousness I bring to my work
I am responsible for the level of consciousness I bring to my relationships
I am responsible for my behavior with other people
I am responsible for how I prioritze my time
I am responsible for the quality of my communications
I am responsible for my Personal happiness
I am responsible for accepting and choosing the values by which I live.
I am responsible for raising my self-esteem.
I am responsible for the achievement of my desires
No one owes me the fulfillment of my wishes. I don not hold a mortgage on anyone elses life or energy. If I have desires, it is up to me to discover how to satisfy them. If my goals require the parcipitation of other people, I must be responsible for knowing what they require of me if they are to cooperate in providing in whatever is my rational obligation to provide. For any professed desire to be taken seriously, I must be prepared to answer in realistic terms. "What am I willing to do to get what I want".
I am responsible for my choices and actions
If my choices and actions are mine, then I am their source. I need to stay connected with it, when I choose and Act.
I am responsible for the level of consciousness I bring to my relationships
Am I fully present in my encounters with others?
Am I present to what is being said?
Do I think about the implications of my statements?
Do I notice how others are affected by what I say and do?
I am responsible for my behavior with other people
I am responsible for how I speak and listen. I am responsible for the promises I keep or fail to keep. I am responsible for the rationality or irrationality of my dealings. We evade responsibility when we try to blame others for our actions.
I am responsible for how I prioritize my time
Basically if I insist I love my family more than anyone yet I'm rarely alone with them (off golfing, working, etc). Then I need to confront my contradiction.
I am responsible for the quality of my communication
I am responsible for being as clear as I know how to be. I am responsible for checking to see if the listener has understood me. I am responsible for speaking loudly and distinctly enough to be heard. I am responsible for the resepect or disrespect with which I convey my thoughts.
I am responsible for my personal happiness.
It is my job! Taking responsiblity for my happiness is empowering. It places my life back into my own hands.
I am responsible for accepting or choosing the values by which I live
If I live by values I have accepted or adopted passively and unthinkingly, it is east to imagine that they are just my nature, just who I am. To avoid recognizing that choice is involved. Decisions are cruicial when values are adopted, question them, revise then if necessary. Taking responsibility sets me free.
I am responsible for raising my self-esteem
It is NOT a gift I receive from someone else. It is generated from within. When peple lack self esteem, they often identify self esteem with being loved. Some comfort themselves with the "God loves me". We shouldn't remain dependent children. We should at some point grow into adults and live independently. We should know the difference between things we have control over and things we do not, otherwise you put your self esteem in jeopardy.
Self-responsibility' is expressed through an active orientation to life.
Nathanial Branden, physchologist said of his patients that he always enjoys the "click of a moment where decisive moments "click" and the mind and new forward motion begins.
One ofthe most important moments is when the client grasps "No one is coming" No one is coming to save me, no one is coming to make life right for me, no one is coming to solve my problems.
**If I don't do something, nothing is going to get better.
The dream of this supposed rescuer who will deliver us may offer a kind of comfort but it leaves us passive and powerless. We may feel if only I suffer enough, if only I yearn desperately enough, somehow a miracle will occur and change my situation. However, this kind of self deception one pays for with one's life as it drains away into the abyss of un-redeemble possibilities and irretrievable days, months, decades.**
Nathanial said he used to have patients make signs for his therapy room with a number of different sayings. On patient made a sign that said No-one is coming, another patient said but that is not true, YOU came. He said this is true, but I only came to tell you no one is coming. :)
Thanks for reading, these are notes I've taken from a book I'm reading. I hope it brings awareness in your own life and leads to a path of growth and happiness. :)
I am responsible for my choices and actions
I am responsible for the level of consciousness I bring to my work
I am responsible for the level of consciousness I bring to my relationships
I am responsible for my behavior with other people
I am responsible for how I prioritze my time
I am responsible for the quality of my communications
I am responsible for my Personal happiness
I am responsible for accepting and choosing the values by which I live.
I am responsible for raising my self-esteem.
I am responsible for the achievement of my desires
No one owes me the fulfillment of my wishes. I don not hold a mortgage on anyone elses life or energy. If I have desires, it is up to me to discover how to satisfy them. If my goals require the parcipitation of other people, I must be responsible for knowing what they require of me if they are to cooperate in providing in whatever is my rational obligation to provide. For any professed desire to be taken seriously, I must be prepared to answer in realistic terms. "What am I willing to do to get what I want".
I am responsible for my choices and actions
If my choices and actions are mine, then I am their source. I need to stay connected with it, when I choose and Act.
I am responsible for the level of consciousness I bring to my relationships
Am I fully present in my encounters with others?
Am I present to what is being said?
Do I think about the implications of my statements?
Do I notice how others are affected by what I say and do?
I am responsible for my behavior with other people
I am responsible for how I speak and listen. I am responsible for the promises I keep or fail to keep. I am responsible for the rationality or irrationality of my dealings. We evade responsibility when we try to blame others for our actions.
I am responsible for how I prioritize my time
Basically if I insist I love my family more than anyone yet I'm rarely alone with them (off golfing, working, etc). Then I need to confront my contradiction.
I am responsible for the quality of my communication
I am responsible for being as clear as I know how to be. I am responsible for checking to see if the listener has understood me. I am responsible for speaking loudly and distinctly enough to be heard. I am responsible for the resepect or disrespect with which I convey my thoughts.
I am responsible for my personal happiness.
It is my job! Taking responsiblity for my happiness is empowering. It places my life back into my own hands.
I am responsible for accepting or choosing the values by which I live
If I live by values I have accepted or adopted passively and unthinkingly, it is east to imagine that they are just my nature, just who I am. To avoid recognizing that choice is involved. Decisions are cruicial when values are adopted, question them, revise then if necessary. Taking responsibility sets me free.
I am responsible for raising my self-esteem
It is NOT a gift I receive from someone else. It is generated from within. When peple lack self esteem, they often identify self esteem with being loved. Some comfort themselves with the "God loves me". We shouldn't remain dependent children. We should at some point grow into adults and live independently. We should know the difference between things we have control over and things we do not, otherwise you put your self esteem in jeopardy.
Self-responsibility' is expressed through an active orientation to life.
- Living actively entails independent thinking, in contrast to passive conformity to the beliefs of others
- To live consciously is to live by the exercise of one's mind.
- If we wish to take some form of action or provide some value, we are obliged to offer reasons that are meaningful and persuasive in terms of their interests and goals.
Nathanial Branden, physchologist said of his patients that he always enjoys the "click of a moment where decisive moments "click" and the mind and new forward motion begins.
One ofthe most important moments is when the client grasps "No one is coming" No one is coming to save me, no one is coming to make life right for me, no one is coming to solve my problems.
**If I don't do something, nothing is going to get better.
The dream of this supposed rescuer who will deliver us may offer a kind of comfort but it leaves us passive and powerless. We may feel if only I suffer enough, if only I yearn desperately enough, somehow a miracle will occur and change my situation. However, this kind of self deception one pays for with one's life as it drains away into the abyss of un-redeemble possibilities and irretrievable days, months, decades.**
Nathanial said he used to have patients make signs for his therapy room with a number of different sayings. On patient made a sign that said No-one is coming, another patient said but that is not true, YOU came. He said this is true, but I only came to tell you no one is coming. :)
Thanks for reading, these are notes I've taken from a book I'm reading. I hope it brings awareness in your own life and leads to a path of growth and happiness. :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)